I used to be a jellyfish.
See you’s a, you’s a, you’s a bitch
Your hormones prolly switch
Inside your DNA
Problem is, all that sucker shit
Inside your DNA
Daddy prolly snitched, heritage
Inside your DNA
Backbone don’t exist
Born onside a jellyfish, I gauge
These are the lyrics from Kendrick Lamar’s song “DNA”. Kendrick Lamar is an American rapper. I like Kendrick Lamar.
Here is the actual song:
So, what does this seemingly unrelatable song has to do with this article?
Well… a lot to be honest because I was born a jellyfish myself. (And I got the idea to write this article from the song itself so… yeah.)
BUT, WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?
See, as Kendrik Lamar puts it: for the most part of my life, I used to feel like I didn’t have a backbone in my body. Like I didn’t have solid opinions of my own, I felt all mushy-gushy, like I didn’t possess any shape. I felt like a jellyfish in this vast ocean of opinions, bending to the will and desires of people. Like I didn’t have will and desires of my own.
Maybe it was my upbringing or constant changing of schools, there came a point in life where I was scared to have my own opinions. I came to an understanding that having your own opinions and standing by it, is a bad thing. That when you stand by your own beliefs, it makes it difficult to be friends with people. I used to hate confrontation with people (I still do) so, instead of holding onto my belief that might be at odds with my friend’s beliefs, I used to quickly ditch my own opinions and smile, seemingly agreeing to everything that he/she says (ah! we are best friends, we agree on everything right?) I truly felt like a jellyfish (and a weak one), one that can bend to any shape, just to fit the narrative of the moment.
But say you want to hug a jellyfish. How would that feel?
I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t like it at all. I mean, a jellyfish is all mushy gushy and slimy, who would want to hug something like that? To hug someone is to have a connection with that person, and you wouldn’t have much success trying to have a connection with a jellyfish lol. You wouldn’t have wanted to hug a jellyfish like myself, someone who could say just about everything to please everyone in the room. Someone who doesn’t have faith in his own beliefs, so when they say they “love you”, you would have to ask yourself is it even true.
You wouldn’t want to hug a jellyfish.
I wouldn’t want to hug a jellyfish.
I didn’t want to hug myself.
I hated being a jellyfish. You see, it is not a good feeling not having a backbone, is it?
It was the summer holidays. The streets of Kathmandu were quiet. It was afternoon. It was sunny outside. It was 26 degrees (I guess lol).
I was in my room. I was bored.
Then I decided to do something about it.
I decided to call a friend who lived nearby. Like super nearby but, she never went outside her home for evening walks like me. Like super close to my home, but like, not like a really close friend but, a friend, friend you know. So, anyways I was bored to death, so I asked her if she was wanted to come along and grab some Laphing with me. And well, she came along and off we went to grab some quality Laphing (which she really liked if I remember correctly.)
So after enjoying moderately tasty Laphing (at least for me) and a healthy dose of scorching sun on our backs, we decided to go to the huge tree nearby the river, across the bridge. This particular tree that I am talking about, was a personal favorite spot for me to just sit and relax. Sure, there was constant noise from the never-ending honking of vehicles from the nearby bridge and the river wasn’t, let’s say, the cleanest of them all, but nonetheless, this place was perfect for me. Why? Because this place had something that I couldn’t find nowhere else no matter how hard I tried: SOLITUDE. Apart from a small cigarette shop run by an old grandmother and a few guys here and there to smoke, no one really visited this place.
So off we went to the big tree and we sat there. And we talked. And then I asked questions. So many questions. Because that’s what I do. And because she had seemingly such different life than me; she used to hang out with people I didn’t hang out with. She used to do things I didn’t use to do.
I was curious about her life. Maybe because mine was so boring.
So we talked and we talked. We talked about stuff at school, we talked about stuff at home (mostly she talked to be honest lol, cause I was only asking questions the whole time.) But one thing in our conversation struck out to me the most.
How confident she was.
Yes, she was confident. Well, at least she sounded so confident. So sure of her likes and dislikes. So sure of how she feels about stuff. So sure of herself.
I was baffled.
It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen! It really felt like a jellyfish finally meeting a real human being. She had her own opinions! She held on to her beliefs no matter what others thought of her. She didn’t seem to be scared to tell people how she exactly felt. Sure some people did not necessarily like her, but she… um as they say… did not give a fuck ; )
It was awesome!
I, on the other hand, was still the slimy gooey jellyfish who was too scared to admit how he feels. I was too scared to admit if I liked someone. Moreover, I was even more scared to admit that I didn’t like someone. If I did not like someone, I used to guilt myself to death and force myself to like that person, no matter how bad I personally feel about it. Why? Because it made me a better friend. Because I could get along with everyone. Because that’s what jellyfishes do.
It was making me miserable.
And in the wise words of Kendrick Lamar: I truly was, in every way possible, a little bitch.
So, there I was with her, amazed at how confidently she spoke about things I would not dare speak out loud. She kept giving her opinions on people, she kept telling how she feels about certain things and certain friends, and I frantically took notes in my mind as if it was a math class. Then we played a certain game I made up lol where I mentioned a person’s name and she was to tell how she feels about that person.
And she agreed to play the game!
And off I went asking her thoughts on every person I could name in the school, and she knocked out each question without so much as a second thought. What a badass! I couldn’t muster up the courage to admit how I felt about someone, whereas she was giving her opinions about people without fearing judgment.
She was like a bright ray of sunlight passing through a dark cave, and I was more than glad to witness it.
And with all that talking, it was evening already and we decided to head home. But just as we were getting up something cracked in my back, I felt a sharp pain and it quickly went away.
I had a backbone.
= )
It’s funny because this story is an important one for me. The conversation we had made me realize that having your own opinion is okay, and not everyone will like me, which is fine. But she might not even remember this story because it must have been just another conversation for her lol. People change people without ever knowing about it ; )
Honestblogs 