I’m slowly dying, but I guess it’s all right.
That’s what I thought on that beautiful Friday afternoon. I was literally dying; dying of hunger.
Last night I slept at 3 in the morning, and lo and behold, I woke up at fucking 1 in the afternoon. My is head hurting like hell, I feel like shit, I feel hungry as fuck, I feel like crying. I want to get out of the bed and live, but my body has some other plans. I can’t wake up, my whole body is screaming on top of it’s lungs, “I’m dying you asshole!”. I ignore it’s cries (as I have always done) and somehow manage to get out of the bed, crawled out of the bed to be honest. Now what?
It’s Friday. It’s the weekend here in this part of the world. No school (ah, that’s some good news at least lol). I have the week’s laundry to do. (Mind you, there are no washing machines or anything fancy here lol, you wash clothes with the good old bucket and your beautiful hands ; ). Ah yes, I have to do the laundry today, not that I am terribly excited about it but; if I don’t, I won’t have apron to wear for tomorrow’s classes. As simple as that. Ah when there is no bullshit, things are simple. You don’t wash your shit, you don’t get to wear it, you can’t go to school. The universal laws of cause and effect seem to make no exceptions for me. Ah what else, I do have some assessments to complete but well, the dateline is next week, so fuck it.
In the middle of my morning thoughts my stomach growls. Ah shit, I’m hungry. Not surprising when you think about it lol, the last meal I had was 14 hours ago. My stomach screams, “Get some food you dumb ass or you will die”. Ah, why does it always have to scream?
Anyways, I slowly do my morning stuff, it’s afternoon actually but whatever, and then I think where to get food. All I have to in my room are some tea bags and biscuits. Doesn’t seem like much. The hostel canteen closed already, reopens at 4. Fuck, I can’t wait that long. The restaurants are open today and it’s only a short walk to get to the good ones but, those are expensive, and I don’t want to spend a day’s food budget on a single meal. The hospital canteen is always open and it’s pretty decent, but it’s a 20 minute walk.
It’s 28 degrees outside. It’s fucking hot. The water is warm when turn on the tap.
My stomach screams again, “think think think!“, and I do. I am sitting on my bed, it’s 1:45 on the clock. I don’t have much to eat in my room. The restaurants are expensive. The hostel canteen is closed. The hospital canteen is far away and it’s crazy hot outside. HOPE, is slowing passing through the gaps of my finger. I try to hold on to it, but I can’t. THERE IS NOTHING TO EAT. As plain and simple as that. No bullshit. I am alone in the room, the fan is spinning crazy over my head, I feel weak.
Is this what dying feels like?
I drop to my bed. I stare at the fan spinning above. Everything seems to go slow. It’s a lazy afternoon. I want to get up and try to get food, but I don’t feel like getting up. The fan is spinning. Ah yes, If I focus, I might be able to see the blades on it. I wonder where my roommates go? Ah fuck, I need to wash those damn cloths too. Haha, it’s funny, I’m literally dying here and I am still worried about the fucking laundry. Ah, if I was at home right now, mom would bring something warm to eat. Ah, she would even do my laundry. And then…“WAKE UP!!!!!” my stomach screams again. I jolt out of my thoughts.
Well, mom ain’t here. You are on your own.
Ah, can’t argue with that. If there is no mom; there is no nagging to go to bed on time, there is no one to wake you up early and moreover, no one cares if you die of hunger. I started scolding myself, “why the fuck did you stay up till 3 last night?”. Ah it’s funny, I used to hate it when my mom scolded me, and now I’m scolding myself. I became my own mom lol. Ah, I am a fuck up after all.
I had never in my life, worried about food or laundry. Now look at me. Life was way easier at home, and I never even appreciated it. Ah, I am stupid as fuck.
Why the fuck did I stay up till 3 last night?
BECAUSE I COULD.
And I did. Now, I am dying because of it.
See, all my life I wanted to be free; wanted to be able to do whatever the fuck I wanted. And I finally got it; I can sleep whenever I want, I can eat whatever I want, I can choose not to go to school if I want, I can do nothing all day If I want, I can spend as much as I like, I can buy whatever I want. NO ONE CARES. All my life, I wanted this. But now, laying on my bed, wondering if I’ll get to eat something or not; I am not so sure.
I am still on my bed. It’s 2:15 on the clock. The sun is still scorching outside. The fan is still spinning, and I still can’t make out the blades no matter how hard I focus. Moreover, my stomach is still screaming in my head. Ah fuck, I really need to get something to eat.
I gather my wits and I try to get out.
= )
Honestblogs 